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cmorgana_buTitle: A Holiday Tale
Pairing: Spencer/Brendon
Beta The amazing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
xbeax, who did a great job on a terrible fic.
Rating: R for some sexual references and bad language
Words count 5.375
Note This is my first english fic and was plotted and written in less than two hours as a gift toraffie79 (to whom it's dedicated, obviously ;)). It's pure fluff, probably the most fluffy thing I ever wrote in all my life and that I ever will.
xbeax betaed it a few days after Christmas, still in time for festivities, but sadly I had some personal problems and couldn't post it...just use it to go back to the shining Christmas ;)
Brendon didn’t flinch when Spencer sat near him on the couch. He just bit his lip and had a hard time gulping, but he didn’t flinch.
He knew that spot on the couch, he even had a name for it: ‘Spot of Doom. With Capital Letters. No good news were ever given while sitting on that spot. A few times he also thought about burning down that part of the couch, leaving just the other two seats and a burnished brown hole in the middle. He never did just because he was sure Spencer wouldn’t like that on his couch, at all.
“So, what’s up this time?” he asked, without even trying for subtle. Spencer was on the damn spot, there was no space to pretend everything was okay. The drummer blushed and looked at the carpet. Brendon sighed. Things were getting worse.
“I…I talked to my mom”, and this time the singer actually flinched. Moms were a serious thing, more serious than ‘I wrecked your car’ or ‘all your underwear was mysteriously eaten by the washing machine, I think you need to go shopping…commando’. Moms were the final stray to definitely convince him to burn the whole damn couch.
“Okay, you phoned your mom, and…?” asked Brendon, after a few seconds of silence.
“She…They…rented a cabin. In the mountains. For Christmas”, replied Spencer, embarrassed. The singer didn’t react, just nodded, “I think they just want some family time, we haven't had a lot lately, with the girls in college and me living in another state…some family time, all together…” he continued frantically. Brendon nodded again, sure he wouldn’t have been able to talk even if he had something coherent to say. Spencer took his hand and started rubbing the palm with the thumb, “it’ll be just a few days, you’ll be with your family, and…” he tried, but Brendon shook his head incredulously.
“I… I obviously knew we would have spent Christmas with our families but I also thought we had an agreement! You…you promised me you’d come and see me the night of the 25th, that we’d spent a few hours of Christmas together…” he finished in a whisper. Spencer took his face in his hands, forcing Brendon to look at him.
“Bren, I love you and I’d love to spend Christmas with you but we talked about that, we decided that to spend the holidays with our families was the best thing to do and I thought you were okay with that. It’s just for a few days, baby. You always have me and I promised…but….if it’s a problem I can talk to them or…not go…”, Brendon forced a smile on his own lips, one he didn’t feel at all.
“It’s okay, Spen. It’s just a day, I don’t need to have you with me on Christmas. Just a stupid day like the others. And you really need some family time, I know how much you miss them. Go and have fun, we’ll spend New Year’s Eve together and it will be a lot more fun”, he said, forcing himself not to show the disappointment.
He knew what he was saying to Spencer was true, he knew his boyfriend was terribly homesick and needed some time off with his parents and his sisters and that it was just a day marked in red on the calendar, he rationally *knew*, so there was no reason to feel like that, no reason at all for wanting to cry himself to sleep.
He no longer was the kid waking up at five in the morning to call the rest of the family and go to unwrap the gifts. He no longer was the kid muttering Christmas songs under his breath while walking the streets full of shiny lights. He no longer wanted to drink hot chocolate sitting on the floor, in front of the fireplace, looking at the Christmas tree he just finished. He didn’t, except he totally did. He wanted all of that and wanted to share it with his boyfriend, but he knew too well there was a limit to how childish he could act with Spencer before the drummer realized what a mistake it was to be with him and dump him.
Spencer Smith was a lot more important than stupid 25th of December.
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Monday, December 21st 2009 6:03PM
Subject It’s snowing!!!
Hey Brendon!!
Sorry I didn’t call you as promised, there’s no signal here and the phone is for ‘emergencies only, and no, phone sex is not an emergency’, like my mom said, and it seems that you have to listen to your mom even if you’re a 22yo rockstar, so… BUT! There is this terrible dial up connection, so I can at least write to you.
Today snowed a lot, we had some problems reaching the cabin but in the end even that was a lot of fun. My mom is already cooking tons of muffins and I realized how brilliant my sisters are when they took an Xbox out of nowhere, so now we’re organizing a tournament to spend the night.
How are things in Vegas? Was your family happy to see you? I bet they miss you so much all the time…well, *I* miss you all the time.
Love you
Spen
PS look at that emails…we were so high when we created them, and they’re so stupid! Do you remember? Joe gave that freakish stuff to Jon to smoke on the bus and after a few minutes you puked on my shoes! Guess the fact I didn’t kill you is a sign I really love you ;)
Talk to you soon, baby.
***
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Monday, December 21st 2009 6:20PM
Subject Re: It’s snowing!!!
Spencer!
I was worried! Tell your mom that a worried boyfriend *IS* an emergency! You could have been dead or almost and…and…Ok, I’ll stop now but just because I know you’re safe and just an asshole! I just hope you’ll at least write to me pretty often. As you see I still am in a civilized place and can read my mail on the iPhone and since things here are boring as hell at least I’ll have something to do.
There’s no snow here and my mom is too busy fussing over all the grandkids to start thinking about cooking, so I guess I’ll order Chinese later…you, spoiled kid with your muffins, will have to spoil me too when you’ll be back…you’ll have to spoil me with candies and sex, just so you know.
Apart for how amazing my nieces are and that I’m fighting with my parents to have a seat at the kids’ table for the Lunch nothing new here….oh, and Bogart peed on the Xmas tree, but my family loves him too much to tell him something, they just yelled at me…as I said, nothing new.
I miss you too, you really have no idea.
See you in 8 days.
Love you
Bden
PS Yes, the mails are pathetic but…Tell me if I’m wrong, but I remember pretty well having your cock down my throat the morning after, so I guess I made up for the puke-on-the-shoes part.
PPS Tell your cock I miss him :( (yes, more than I miss you, ‘coz it’s not an asshole and it’d have called me and it won’t have muffin :P)
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 11:17am
Subject I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!
I swear I didn’t want to make you worry again!
Yesterday was such a busy day. We found a wounded fox, it wasn’t even supposed to be around with that snow! We had to take it to the local vet and we waited for the surgery to be over because my sisters (and I) were sick worried for the poor thing, so we came back freakish late and over tired and my mom gave us eggnog and then my dad had whiskey and I ended up totally drunk, so I didn’t check my mail. SORRY.
I’m starting to think that life in the woods it’s a lot more exciting than touring AND you don’t have to be on a bus with a terrible hangover, so it’s even better!
My mom gave me some pills, one of those things women keep in their pursues, and the headache is now bearable, I’ll have to ask her what they are and send Zack buy some (just in case they’re those pinkish things you take when you’re on your period or something).
You have no idea how amazing it is in here.
We’re having a great time, I didn’t realized I missed my family so much while I was gone, and everything is white and we have a HUGE tree in the yard and we decorated it (well, my sisters did, I was busy with the eggnog ;)) and you’d love here so much!
Tell me about you, do you have everything ready? I know you love Christmas…;)
Love you!
Spencer
PS 500$!! That’s how much I paid for those shoes!! TWO DAYS BEFORE you puked on them! I’m sorry, there’s no deepthroat in the world to make up for a 500 bucks pair of shoes. You still owe me, Urie.
PPS My cock misses you too. It says it’s not sure if it misses your mouth or your ass more, but it hopes to meet them both soon enough. (I, instead, miss you more than my cock does. I’ll make sure to save some muffins to take back to Vegas for you ;))
***
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 11:59am
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
Don’t worry, I imagined you had better things to do than to check stupid emails, it’s ok, and I’m pretty busy too.
I’m glad to hear you’re having so much fun, take pics of the place and the tree, I totally wanna see it.
How’s the fox? I guess it’s ok but you never told me. Just, don’t take it home, I’m pretty sure Bogart wouldn’t like it (but I’d totally love to have it around!! A FOX!! I never petted one!!! Is it soft? WANT WANT WANT!)
I envy you for the snow a little, here it’s hot….and it’s Vegas. You know how boring it could be if you grew up around here and if you’re with your family…
Oh, talking about family, all uncles, aunts and cousins are here now. We’re like a thousand in that house, there are beds everywhere and in the morning I had to wait fifteen minutes just to pee. I missed them and I’m happy to have them around but I still don’t understand why they can’t book a motel like everyone else in the world. I offered to pay a few rooms for them and that was my worst error: I reminded them that I have a lot of money that I made with one of the works of the Devil. My mom backed me up telling them how amazing Panic! are but that didn’t save me from a few hours of ‘You know you can’t be a Mormon *and* a rockstar at the same time’ or ‘Call me when you’ll need an honest job to save your soul’. I didn’t even try to explain to them I no longer care about being a Mormon…
You’ve no idea how lucky you are to have a normal family.
Time to go, mom is calling, we ran out of sweet potatoes.
Love,
Bden
PS Deep throat, Spencer. I so totally owe you NOTHING!
PPS. Pig ;) But I’ll try not to let Ass and Mouth kill each other on who’ll have your cock first ;) (You better do it…FAT, Spencer Smith, that’s how you’ll end up if you won’t stop eating muffins…just saying)
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 09:53PM
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
I’m so sorry about the mess with your family. I know how hard is for you not to have your family understand you :( but I’m pleasantly surprised by your mom having your back! I mean, I know she’s finally ok with all that, even with us being together, but I didn’t think she’d have gone against the rest of the family!
The fox is okay, we went to visit it today and she’s going to be totally healed by spring. We also went sledding, you should have seen my dad! He’s like a champion or something, he did that slalom thing between the trees while my mom screamed at him not to die or she’d made him sleep on the couch for a week even as a dead body.
Oh, I almost forgot, while in town I called Ryan, my family wanted to say hi, we’re not really used not to have him around for the holidays. He’s ok, he’ll spend Christmas at Jon’s because Z and Alex are I don’t know where and Jon’s mother invited him. He says hi. You have no idea how strange it is not to have him around for Christmas this year, even more than shows without him on stage. My mom is even worried he won’t eat enough…
I really have to go now or they’ll start scrabble without me and I totally have to win over Crystal.
<3 U
Spencer
PS & PPS No, Shoes > Deepthroat, sorry. And I won’t be fat, just a little softer boyfriend to snuggle with, and you’ll love it. You and your bubble ass…
***
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:25am
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
Wow, you really seem to have a lot of fun, I don’t remember hearing you so excited about a place or something you’re doing, and I traveled half the world with you.
Glad to hear that the fox, your dad and Ryan are ok and fine.
Let me know how your scrabble fight went.
Love you
B.
PS. Great, then next time I’ll let you fuck my shoe instead than my mouth. And you love my bubble bottom, so shut up.
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:47am
Subject ???
What’s wrong? You replied to me in 6 lines, you’re not alright. So?
***
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:50am
Subject Re: ???
Nothing wrong, just tired, sorry. It’s Christmas, there’s a lot of praying to do in a Mormon house and it’s very tiring.
Go to bed, I’m sure you have a full day ahead.
Love you
Brendon.
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:56am
Subject Re: ???
Not sure I believe you, but there’s nothing I can do from here if you want to lie to me, so…
If I go to town I’ll phone you, if I won’t then I’ll use my emergency call to call you on Xmas morning.
Miss you. Sleep well.
Spencer.
***
Brendon read the last mail, then threw the phone across the room, without even caring about breaking it.
How nice of Spencer to think about calling him after 6 days!
He wasn’t really angry at him, to be totally honest he was more hurt than anything. He never really thought he and Spencer would have been together forever, he loved the guy more than anything else in the world, he’d give his life for Spence without even thinking about it, but he knew himself, he knew he was childish, he wasn’t beautiful, he wasn’t so wonderful in bed. He knew, he had always known, he was not enough for Spencer and probably the drummer was having the same realization too.
He was spending his time far away from him and was already forgetting about him; a fox and calling Ryan are more important things than to call his boyfriend.
Brendon hid his face in the pillow, biting it to stop himself from screaming out loud. He had the only room to himself in the crowded house but there were people sleeping in the corridor, relatives he really didn’t want to know he was going to be dumped. By his boyfriend. A man.
He bit harder, gulping a few times just not to let himself cry.
It officially was the worst Christmas ever. It started being bad because Spencer wasn’t with him and now it was destined to be worst because the call telling him he wasn’t enough was freaking near. It was just a matter of time before Spencer would realize how much more fun he could have without him. Spencer who was missing Ryan, his best friend, not him. Spencer who was too busy playing fucking scrabble to talk to him.
The worst part, if there could possibly have been something worse than being dumped during the Holidays, was that Brendon was starting to envy Spencer. Him and his perfect happy family who saved foxes and went to sled and called friends to wish happy holidays.
It wasn’t like he didn’t love his family or didn’t like to spend time with them, God only knew how much he missed them all during the brief period of time they didn’t speak to each other, it was just that he couldn’t remember ever seeing his father on a sledge or be allowed to get drunk on eggnog (or drunk at all. Hello, Mormons here! Only time he was caught with alcoholic eggnog he had been grounded for three weeks!) and probably a wounded fox would have been the perfect trophy over his uncle’s fireplace, definitely not something to save. He was the only one in the family wanting all of that, so he knew he would never have those things, still it hurt to desire something he won’t have and see that someone else could have that and give them for granted. Even if that person was Spencer and Brendon knew he would never hurt him.
After a long time he hid under the heavy duvet and closed his eyes.
Another day was coming and he was pretty sure it was going to be even worse than the previous one. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to ignore another malicious comment about how he surely disappointed his poor mother or how his siblings, married, with good jobs and kids, were better than him.
He just needed Spencer and to feel protected, but obviously Spencer was realizing he was no longer interested in doing so.
***
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 10:03am
Subject :)
Morning! Are you feeling better? You really weren’t okay yesterday night, don’t lie to me.
I’m having breakfast, no muffins though :(
Love,
S.
***
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 10:21am
Subject Re: :)
Morning!
Told you, I was just tired, I’m fine. You lucky man. I didn’t have breakfast, I woke up too late and the women already had the kitchen, I’m not brave enough to enter their reign, I’ll wait ‘till lunch.
Have fun today.
***
It was already dark outside, well past dinner time, when Brendon’s iPhone started ringing. He was on the veranda, hidden from the family that at the moment was disgusted by him.
He let the whole music from the Aladdin theme play two times, eyes glued to the little screen, before he picked up.
“Hey, Spence”, said in the most casual way.
“What the fuck? What’s wrong with you?” The drummer asked without even try at niceties. Brendon flinched. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. He wasn’t supposed to be dumped over the phone and most of all he was sure Spencer would have made that a gentle thing, with less pain as possible, not that harsh start.
“Excuse me? *You* called me, did you just do that to yell at me?”
“Idiot. I called you because I’m worried, I know something’s wrong and most of all I’m calling you after six days without hearing your voice and you answer me with ‘hey, Spence’?”, the drummer seamed nervous, Brendon sort of smiled. At least it was going to be hard for the both of them.
“I didn’t know how to answer someone who…” he didn’t finish the sentence. No, he wasn’t going to make things easier for Spencer and dump himself for him.
“Someone who what? Come on Bren, I’m a thousand miles away in ten feet of snow and I’m sick worried about you! Would you let me know what’s happening?” he sounded sincere, genuinely worried, but that didn’t really matter. Brendon knew Spencer loved him, he knew he worried about him, just not enough to share his life with someone like him, with someone that even being the lead singer of a world famous band was still a loser with a pathetic life and too many childish habits.
“I’ve…”, he started, but in the end he decided he wasn’t going to lie again. He didn’t have a reason to lie again, Spencer was already convinced he was just a pathetic kid, so… “You! That’s what’s wrong! You want to break up with me! And my fucking family! It’s wrong that I broke down at lunch and started crying in front of everyone! It’s wrong that my whole family found out I’m a fucking fag and they won’t even look at me! It’s wrong that my aunt told her 9 year old daughter not to talk to me because I’m a bad man who’s going to burn in hell for eternity! Oh, and it’s also wrong that you’re breaking up with me on Christmas and you know what? I don’t care if it’s childish, but I love Christmas, I love gifts and lights and fucking snow and I wanted to spend it with my fucking boyfriend that I no longer have!” He ended his speech yelling into the phone, totally uncaring about the rest of the family hearing him. They could all burn in hell for all he cared at the moment.
Spencer didn’t talk for a long time, and then took a deep breath.
“I told you, you’re an idiot. Why would I dump you?” he asked slowly.
“Because…because I’m just Brendon. Because I never grow up and because I still am the lonely loser kid I was five years ago,” he murmured, ashamed of himself, “and you’re having the best time of your life without me and didn’t have time for me because you realized how much of a burden I am”, he finished.
“You are the burden I love, Brendon. What you call be a loser I call have a heart, and I can assure you I loved the kid you were five years ago. You always had more balls than anyone else I know. You left your home to do what you believed in, risked your whole family, and you’re doing it again even knowing how much you’ll suffer because of it, you’re doing it just because you love me, this time. How could I dump someone like you?”
“I…I am just Brendon”, he repeated.
“You’re just my Brendon, and a bigger idiot because you didn’t tell me you really wanted to spend Christmas with me, you didn’t tell me how important that day was to you. How can I show you how much I love you if you won’t help me?” Brendon was sure he could hear Spencer smile at the other end of the line.
He definitely didn’t sound like someone who was going to break up with him, so maybe he really was a bigger idiot than he thought he was. Maybe Spencer really could deal with having him around for a little longer and maybe he loved him enough to take his childish habits.
“I’m sorry?” he replied, unsure on what to say. Spencer laughed.
“Stop it, Brendon, you’ve got nothing to feel sorry about, you are the one hurt, the one who thought no one wants him, not me. Now listen to me, I need you to go to bed and get some sleep and totally ignore all the assholes in your family,” Brendon smiled tiredly.
“I should ignore everyone but my parents and siblings, then”, he objected, forcing himself to ignore the laughter in the background. There were noises from something similar to an old arcade or a flipper, probably Spencer was in some local bar with his family, “and I’m sorry I’m keeping you on the phone on Christmas Eve, you should be celebrating…”
“I’m on the phone with my boyfriend, Brendon, I actually am celebrating. And okay, ignore everyone then, even the dog if it bothers you, and get some sleep. It’s Christmas in a few hours, Bden, I don’t want it ruined for you,” Brendon didn’t say it already was, he didn’t say he didn’t want for it to be Christmas, he didn’t say he hated the fucking lights, the stupid tree and all those happy songs.
“Okay, I will”, he said, instead, “now go celebrate with your family, kiss your mom and the girls for me, okay? I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Really soon, Brendon. I love you and I miss you so much you have no idea”, this time Brendon really smiled at the genuine truth in Spencer’s voice. He probably had been a stupid thinking he was going to break up with him. That though, still seemed the only thing he was wrong about.
“I love you too. Can’t wait to see you, Spen.”
***
Like every other Christmas, Brendon woke up before dawn. He lazily stretched and sat on the bed, scanning the room for his red and white hoodie, but suddenly the truth hit him. To run down the stairs and in front of his beloved tree meant to face his family, all the aunts and uncles and confused kids. He couldn’t do that, he was sure, he couldn’t just walk downstairs and watch his mother struggle not to hurt him and not to go against her family and beliefs at the same time. Mostly he just didn’t want to go downstairs and celebrate something he loved without Spencer. He went to the bathroom instead, totally ignoring the excited squeals of the kids downstairs.
He showered, brushed his teeth and even combed his hair before he slowly returned to his room and dress himself.
He left the red hoodie on the floor on purpose.
On the stairs, the smell of chocolate and gingerbread was too strong even for him. A few cousins skipped in front of him, running and waving some random toys. Brendon smiled in spite of himself.
“Oh, I was starting to get worried, dear!” the voice of his mother welcomed him when he finally entered the living room. He smiled to her, then to the rest of the family, ignoring some of the embarrassed or disgusted glances, before he walked straight in the direction of the tree, scanning the wrapped gifts in search of his own. When he finally saw a big, purple, box with his name on it he just dropped on his knees and went for it.
It wasn't like when he was a kid, not anymore. He no longer needed to wait for Christmas to have what he wanted, he had enough money to satisfy every need or desire, but a wrapped box waiting for him, a gift waiting to be unwrapped and used was something he totally couldn’t have resisted, no matter how his mood was.
He smiled widely at the first edition of his favorite book, holding it to his chest and making a mental note to thank his sister, sure it was her idea, then went for the next package, ignoring all the eyes he could clearly feel over him, but before he could take it, his mom put a hand on his shoulder.
“I think that can wait, there’s another thing you really need to see”, Brendon looked at her, confused, but she just smiled, “it didn’t fit under the tree. You’ll find it in the kitchen”, she added, nodding toward the other room. Confused Brendon stood.
There was nothing he asked his parents for, and he was sure they couldn’t afford something really big this year. He expected something small, a pull maybe, some video games he talked to his father about, definitely nothing that couldn’t fit under the giant tree in the Urie’s living room.
“I…I think I’ll go see what’s here, then?” he asked, unsure. His mom smiled again.
“Go, and take your time, dear”, she said loud but then she leaned in to whisper in his ear, “and ignore the family, they’re a bunch of assholes. Your father and I are proud of you, whatever you choose to do with your life”, he didn’t reply to those words, he just hugged her for a second.
When he entered the kitchen his heart skipped a beat. He would have thought that impossible if not for the fact he had experienced the thing a few times already. All times because of Spencer.
“Hi, I was starting to think you’d never wake up”, Brendon heard the man’s words without really understand them, disbelief clear on his face.
“What…what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on the other side of the state, somewhere into the woods!” he was proud of himself. He had said a whole sentence and it actually made sense, he was ready to swear it was a miracle.
Spencer laughed taking a few steps towards him.
“I drove all night. I couldn’t stand to spend Christmas without you”, he said and before he could add anything else Brendon threw himself at him, legs around his waist, face smashed against his neck ‘till his nose hurt, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Spencer was there. Spencer was there for him on Christmas morning.
“I love you”, he murmured against his skin, totally unable to let the other man go, to stop being surrounded by his smell, by the feeling of Spencer’s hands on his back.
“I love you too, Brendon. You have no idea how much”, he replied, not even caring about how sappy he sounded. If possible Brendon smiled harder.
A few minutes passed before Spencer was able to convince Brendon to leave his neck and the moment the singer did he sealed their lips together in the most long and passionate kiss he ever experienced.
“Merry Christmas, baby”, he whispered against Brendon’s lips when they broke the kiss to breath properly. The singer just smiled.
Now he knew. Now he was pretty sure all the great Christmases of his life were just average, like all the gifts he received in the past years.
*This* was the perfect Christmas and Spencer was his best gift. Ever.
Pairing: Spencer/Brendon
Beta The amazing
xbeax, who did a great job on a terrible fic. Rating: R for some sexual references and bad language
Words count 5.375
Note This is my first english fic and was plotted and written in less than two hours as a gift to
raffie79 (to whom it's dedicated, obviously ;)). It's pure fluff, probably the most fluffy thing I ever wrote in all my life and that I ever will. xbeax betaed it a few days after Christmas, still in time for festivities, but sadly I had some personal problems and couldn't post it...just use it to go back to the shining Christmas ;)Brendon didn’t flinch when Spencer sat near him on the couch. He just bit his lip and had a hard time gulping, but he didn’t flinch.
He knew that spot on the couch, he even had a name for it: ‘Spot of Doom. With Capital Letters. No good news were ever given while sitting on that spot. A few times he also thought about burning down that part of the couch, leaving just the other two seats and a burnished brown hole in the middle. He never did just because he was sure Spencer wouldn’t like that on his couch, at all.
“So, what’s up this time?” he asked, without even trying for subtle. Spencer was on the damn spot, there was no space to pretend everything was okay. The drummer blushed and looked at the carpet. Brendon sighed. Things were getting worse.
“I…I talked to my mom”, and this time the singer actually flinched. Moms were a serious thing, more serious than ‘I wrecked your car’ or ‘all your underwear was mysteriously eaten by the washing machine, I think you need to go shopping…commando’. Moms were the final stray to definitely convince him to burn the whole damn couch.
“Okay, you phoned your mom, and…?” asked Brendon, after a few seconds of silence.
“She…They…rented a cabin. In the mountains. For Christmas”, replied Spencer, embarrassed. The singer didn’t react, just nodded, “I think they just want some family time, we haven't had a lot lately, with the girls in college and me living in another state…some family time, all together…” he continued frantically. Brendon nodded again, sure he wouldn’t have been able to talk even if he had something coherent to say. Spencer took his hand and started rubbing the palm with the thumb, “it’ll be just a few days, you’ll be with your family, and…” he tried, but Brendon shook his head incredulously.
“I… I obviously knew we would have spent Christmas with our families but I also thought we had an agreement! You…you promised me you’d come and see me the night of the 25th, that we’d spent a few hours of Christmas together…” he finished in a whisper. Spencer took his face in his hands, forcing Brendon to look at him.
“Bren, I love you and I’d love to spend Christmas with you but we talked about that, we decided that to spend the holidays with our families was the best thing to do and I thought you were okay with that. It’s just for a few days, baby. You always have me and I promised…but….if it’s a problem I can talk to them or…not go…”, Brendon forced a smile on his own lips, one he didn’t feel at all.
“It’s okay, Spen. It’s just a day, I don’t need to have you with me on Christmas. Just a stupid day like the others. And you really need some family time, I know how much you miss them. Go and have fun, we’ll spend New Year’s Eve together and it will be a lot more fun”, he said, forcing himself not to show the disappointment.
He knew what he was saying to Spencer was true, he knew his boyfriend was terribly homesick and needed some time off with his parents and his sisters and that it was just a day marked in red on the calendar, he rationally *knew*, so there was no reason to feel like that, no reason at all for wanting to cry himself to sleep.
He no longer was the kid waking up at five in the morning to call the rest of the family and go to unwrap the gifts. He no longer was the kid muttering Christmas songs under his breath while walking the streets full of shiny lights. He no longer wanted to drink hot chocolate sitting on the floor, in front of the fireplace, looking at the Christmas tree he just finished. He didn’t, except he totally did. He wanted all of that and wanted to share it with his boyfriend, but he knew too well there was a limit to how childish he could act with Spencer before the drummer realized what a mistake it was to be with him and dump him.
Spencer Smith was a lot more important than stupid 25th of December.
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Monday, December 21st 2009 6:03PM
Subject It’s snowing!!!
Hey Brendon!!
Sorry I didn’t call you as promised, there’s no signal here and the phone is for ‘emergencies only, and no, phone sex is not an emergency’, like my mom said, and it seems that you have to listen to your mom even if you’re a 22yo rockstar, so… BUT! There is this terrible dial up connection, so I can at least write to you.
Today snowed a lot, we had some problems reaching the cabin but in the end even that was a lot of fun. My mom is already cooking tons of muffins and I realized how brilliant my sisters are when they took an Xbox out of nowhere, so now we’re organizing a tournament to spend the night.
How are things in Vegas? Was your family happy to see you? I bet they miss you so much all the time…well, *I* miss you all the time.
Love you
Spen
PS look at that emails…we were so high when we created them, and they’re so stupid! Do you remember? Joe gave that freakish stuff to Jon to smoke on the bus and after a few minutes you puked on my shoes! Guess the fact I didn’t kill you is a sign I really love you ;)
Talk to you soon, baby.
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Monday, December 21st 2009 6:20PM
Subject Re: It’s snowing!!!
Spencer!
I was worried! Tell your mom that a worried boyfriend *IS* an emergency! You could have been dead or almost and…and…Ok, I’ll stop now but just because I know you’re safe and just an asshole! I just hope you’ll at least write to me pretty often. As you see I still am in a civilized place and can read my mail on the iPhone and since things here are boring as hell at least I’ll have something to do.
There’s no snow here and my mom is too busy fussing over all the grandkids to start thinking about cooking, so I guess I’ll order Chinese later…you, spoiled kid with your muffins, will have to spoil me too when you’ll be back…you’ll have to spoil me with candies and sex, just so you know.
Apart for how amazing my nieces are and that I’m fighting with my parents to have a seat at the kids’ table for the Lunch nothing new here….oh, and Bogart peed on the Xmas tree, but my family loves him too much to tell him something, they just yelled at me…as I said, nothing new.
I miss you too, you really have no idea.
See you in 8 days.
Love you
Bden
PS Yes, the mails are pathetic but…Tell me if I’m wrong, but I remember pretty well having your cock down my throat the morning after, so I guess I made up for the puke-on-the-shoes part.
PPS Tell your cock I miss him :( (yes, more than I miss you, ‘coz it’s not an asshole and it’d have called me and it won’t have muffin :P)
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 11:17am
Subject I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!
I swear I didn’t want to make you worry again!
Yesterday was such a busy day. We found a wounded fox, it wasn’t even supposed to be around with that snow! We had to take it to the local vet and we waited for the surgery to be over because my sisters (and I) were sick worried for the poor thing, so we came back freakish late and over tired and my mom gave us eggnog and then my dad had whiskey and I ended up totally drunk, so I didn’t check my mail. SORRY.
I’m starting to think that life in the woods it’s a lot more exciting than touring AND you don’t have to be on a bus with a terrible hangover, so it’s even better!
My mom gave me some pills, one of those things women keep in their pursues, and the headache is now bearable, I’ll have to ask her what they are and send Zack buy some (just in case they’re those pinkish things you take when you’re on your period or something).
You have no idea how amazing it is in here.
We’re having a great time, I didn’t realized I missed my family so much while I was gone, and everything is white and we have a HUGE tree in the yard and we decorated it (well, my sisters did, I was busy with the eggnog ;)) and you’d love here so much!
Tell me about you, do you have everything ready? I know you love Christmas…;)
Love you!
Spencer
PS 500$!! That’s how much I paid for those shoes!! TWO DAYS BEFORE you puked on them! I’m sorry, there’s no deepthroat in the world to make up for a 500 bucks pair of shoes. You still owe me, Urie.
PPS My cock misses you too. It says it’s not sure if it misses your mouth or your ass more, but it hopes to meet them both soon enough. (I, instead, miss you more than my cock does. I’ll make sure to save some muffins to take back to Vegas for you ;))
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 11:59am
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
Don’t worry, I imagined you had better things to do than to check stupid emails, it’s ok, and I’m pretty busy too.
I’m glad to hear you’re having so much fun, take pics of the place and the tree, I totally wanna see it.
How’s the fox? I guess it’s ok but you never told me. Just, don’t take it home, I’m pretty sure Bogart wouldn’t like it (but I’d totally love to have it around!! A FOX!! I never petted one!!! Is it soft? WANT WANT WANT!)
I envy you for the snow a little, here it’s hot….and it’s Vegas. You know how boring it could be if you grew up around here and if you’re with your family…
Oh, talking about family, all uncles, aunts and cousins are here now. We’re like a thousand in that house, there are beds everywhere and in the morning I had to wait fifteen minutes just to pee. I missed them and I’m happy to have them around but I still don’t understand why they can’t book a motel like everyone else in the world. I offered to pay a few rooms for them and that was my worst error: I reminded them that I have a lot of money that I made with one of the works of the Devil. My mom backed me up telling them how amazing Panic! are but that didn’t save me from a few hours of ‘You know you can’t be a Mormon *and* a rockstar at the same time’ or ‘Call me when you’ll need an honest job to save your soul’. I didn’t even try to explain to them I no longer care about being a Mormon…
You’ve no idea how lucky you are to have a normal family.
Time to go, mom is calling, we ran out of sweet potatoes.
Love,
Bden
PS Deep throat, Spencer. I so totally owe you NOTHING!
PPS. Pig ;) But I’ll try not to let Ass and Mouth kill each other on who’ll have your cock first ;) (You better do it…FAT, Spencer Smith, that’s how you’ll end up if you won’t stop eating muffins…just saying)
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Wednesday, December 23rd 2009 09:53PM
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
I’m so sorry about the mess with your family. I know how hard is for you not to have your family understand you :( but I’m pleasantly surprised by your mom having your back! I mean, I know she’s finally ok with all that, even with us being together, but I didn’t think she’d have gone against the rest of the family!
The fox is okay, we went to visit it today and she’s going to be totally healed by spring. We also went sledding, you should have seen my dad! He’s like a champion or something, he did that slalom thing between the trees while my mom screamed at him not to die or she’d made him sleep on the couch for a week even as a dead body.
Oh, I almost forgot, while in town I called Ryan, my family wanted to say hi, we’re not really used not to have him around for the holidays. He’s ok, he’ll spend Christmas at Jon’s because Z and Alex are I don’t know where and Jon’s mother invited him. He says hi. You have no idea how strange it is not to have him around for Christmas this year, even more than shows without him on stage. My mom is even worried he won’t eat enough…
I really have to go now or they’ll start scrabble without me and I totally have to win over Crystal.
<3 U
Spencer
PS & PPS No, Shoes > Deepthroat, sorry. And I won’t be fat, just a little softer boyfriend to snuggle with, and you’ll love it. You and your bubble ass…
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:25am
Subject Re: I’m an ASSHOLE, I KNOW
Wow, you really seem to have a lot of fun, I don’t remember hearing you so excited about a place or something you’re doing, and I traveled half the world with you.
Glad to hear that the fox, your dad and Ryan are ok and fine.
Let me know how your scrabble fight went.
Love you
B.
PS. Great, then next time I’ll let you fuck my shoe instead than my mouth. And you love my bubble bottom, so shut up.
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:47am
Subject ???
What’s wrong? You replied to me in 6 lines, you’re not alright. So?
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:50am
Subject Re: ???
Nothing wrong, just tired, sorry. It’s Christmas, there’s a lot of praying to do in a Mormon house and it’s very tiring.
Go to bed, I’m sure you have a full day ahead.
Love you
Brendon.
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 01:56am
Subject Re: ???
Not sure I believe you, but there’s nothing I can do from here if you want to lie to me, so…
If I go to town I’ll phone you, if I won’t then I’ll use my emergency call to call you on Xmas morning.
Miss you. Sleep well.
Spencer.
Brendon read the last mail, then threw the phone across the room, without even caring about breaking it.
How nice of Spencer to think about calling him after 6 days!
He wasn’t really angry at him, to be totally honest he was more hurt than anything. He never really thought he and Spencer would have been together forever, he loved the guy more than anything else in the world, he’d give his life for Spence without even thinking about it, but he knew himself, he knew he was childish, he wasn’t beautiful, he wasn’t so wonderful in bed. He knew, he had always known, he was not enough for Spencer and probably the drummer was having the same realization too.
He was spending his time far away from him and was already forgetting about him; a fox and calling Ryan are more important things than to call his boyfriend.
Brendon hid his face in the pillow, biting it to stop himself from screaming out loud. He had the only room to himself in the crowded house but there were people sleeping in the corridor, relatives he really didn’t want to know he was going to be dumped. By his boyfriend. A man.
He bit harder, gulping a few times just not to let himself cry.
It officially was the worst Christmas ever. It started being bad because Spencer wasn’t with him and now it was destined to be worst because the call telling him he wasn’t enough was freaking near. It was just a matter of time before Spencer would realize how much more fun he could have without him. Spencer who was missing Ryan, his best friend, not him. Spencer who was too busy playing fucking scrabble to talk to him.
The worst part, if there could possibly have been something worse than being dumped during the Holidays, was that Brendon was starting to envy Spencer. Him and his perfect happy family who saved foxes and went to sled and called friends to wish happy holidays.
It wasn’t like he didn’t love his family or didn’t like to spend time with them, God only knew how much he missed them all during the brief period of time they didn’t speak to each other, it was just that he couldn’t remember ever seeing his father on a sledge or be allowed to get drunk on eggnog (or drunk at all. Hello, Mormons here! Only time he was caught with alcoholic eggnog he had been grounded for three weeks!) and probably a wounded fox would have been the perfect trophy over his uncle’s fireplace, definitely not something to save. He was the only one in the family wanting all of that, so he knew he would never have those things, still it hurt to desire something he won’t have and see that someone else could have that and give them for granted. Even if that person was Spencer and Brendon knew he would never hurt him.
After a long time he hid under the heavy duvet and closed his eyes.
Another day was coming and he was pretty sure it was going to be even worse than the previous one. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to ignore another malicious comment about how he surely disappointed his poor mother or how his siblings, married, with good jobs and kids, were better than him.
He just needed Spencer and to feel protected, but obviously Spencer was realizing he was no longer interested in doing so.
From Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
To Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 10:03am
Subject :)
Morning! Are you feeling better? You really weren’t okay yesterday night, don’t lie to me.
I’m having breakfast, no muffins though :(
Love,
S.
From Bden <sexysinger@gmail.com>
To Spencer <blueeyeddrummer@gmail.com>
Date Thursday, December 24th 2009 10:21am
Subject Re: :)
Morning!
Told you, I was just tired, I’m fine. You lucky man. I didn’t have breakfast, I woke up too late and the women already had the kitchen, I’m not brave enough to enter their reign, I’ll wait ‘till lunch.
Have fun today.
It was already dark outside, well past dinner time, when Brendon’s iPhone started ringing. He was on the veranda, hidden from the family that at the moment was disgusted by him.
He let the whole music from the Aladdin theme play two times, eyes glued to the little screen, before he picked up.
“Hey, Spence”, said in the most casual way.
“What the fuck? What’s wrong with you?” The drummer asked without even try at niceties. Brendon flinched. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. He wasn’t supposed to be dumped over the phone and most of all he was sure Spencer would have made that a gentle thing, with less pain as possible, not that harsh start.
“Excuse me? *You* called me, did you just do that to yell at me?”
“Idiot. I called you because I’m worried, I know something’s wrong and most of all I’m calling you after six days without hearing your voice and you answer me with ‘hey, Spence’?”, the drummer seamed nervous, Brendon sort of smiled. At least it was going to be hard for the both of them.
“I didn’t know how to answer someone who…” he didn’t finish the sentence. No, he wasn’t going to make things easier for Spencer and dump himself for him.
“Someone who what? Come on Bren, I’m a thousand miles away in ten feet of snow and I’m sick worried about you! Would you let me know what’s happening?” he sounded sincere, genuinely worried, but that didn’t really matter. Brendon knew Spencer loved him, he knew he worried about him, just not enough to share his life with someone like him, with someone that even being the lead singer of a world famous band was still a loser with a pathetic life and too many childish habits.
“I’ve…”, he started, but in the end he decided he wasn’t going to lie again. He didn’t have a reason to lie again, Spencer was already convinced he was just a pathetic kid, so… “You! That’s what’s wrong! You want to break up with me! And my fucking family! It’s wrong that I broke down at lunch and started crying in front of everyone! It’s wrong that my whole family found out I’m a fucking fag and they won’t even look at me! It’s wrong that my aunt told her 9 year old daughter not to talk to me because I’m a bad man who’s going to burn in hell for eternity! Oh, and it’s also wrong that you’re breaking up with me on Christmas and you know what? I don’t care if it’s childish, but I love Christmas, I love gifts and lights and fucking snow and I wanted to spend it with my fucking boyfriend that I no longer have!” He ended his speech yelling into the phone, totally uncaring about the rest of the family hearing him. They could all burn in hell for all he cared at the moment.
Spencer didn’t talk for a long time, and then took a deep breath.
“I told you, you’re an idiot. Why would I dump you?” he asked slowly.
“Because…because I’m just Brendon. Because I never grow up and because I still am the lonely loser kid I was five years ago,” he murmured, ashamed of himself, “and you’re having the best time of your life without me and didn’t have time for me because you realized how much of a burden I am”, he finished.
“You are the burden I love, Brendon. What you call be a loser I call have a heart, and I can assure you I loved the kid you were five years ago. You always had more balls than anyone else I know. You left your home to do what you believed in, risked your whole family, and you’re doing it again even knowing how much you’ll suffer because of it, you’re doing it just because you love me, this time. How could I dump someone like you?”
“I…I am just Brendon”, he repeated.
“You’re just my Brendon, and a bigger idiot because you didn’t tell me you really wanted to spend Christmas with me, you didn’t tell me how important that day was to you. How can I show you how much I love you if you won’t help me?” Brendon was sure he could hear Spencer smile at the other end of the line.
He definitely didn’t sound like someone who was going to break up with him, so maybe he really was a bigger idiot than he thought he was. Maybe Spencer really could deal with having him around for a little longer and maybe he loved him enough to take his childish habits.
“I’m sorry?” he replied, unsure on what to say. Spencer laughed.
“Stop it, Brendon, you’ve got nothing to feel sorry about, you are the one hurt, the one who thought no one wants him, not me. Now listen to me, I need you to go to bed and get some sleep and totally ignore all the assholes in your family,” Brendon smiled tiredly.
“I should ignore everyone but my parents and siblings, then”, he objected, forcing himself to ignore the laughter in the background. There were noises from something similar to an old arcade or a flipper, probably Spencer was in some local bar with his family, “and I’m sorry I’m keeping you on the phone on Christmas Eve, you should be celebrating…”
“I’m on the phone with my boyfriend, Brendon, I actually am celebrating. And okay, ignore everyone then, even the dog if it bothers you, and get some sleep. It’s Christmas in a few hours, Bden, I don’t want it ruined for you,” Brendon didn’t say it already was, he didn’t say he didn’t want for it to be Christmas, he didn’t say he hated the fucking lights, the stupid tree and all those happy songs.
“Okay, I will”, he said, instead, “now go celebrate with your family, kiss your mom and the girls for me, okay? I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Really soon, Brendon. I love you and I miss you so much you have no idea”, this time Brendon really smiled at the genuine truth in Spencer’s voice. He probably had been a stupid thinking he was going to break up with him. That though, still seemed the only thing he was wrong about.
“I love you too. Can’t wait to see you, Spen.”
Like every other Christmas, Brendon woke up before dawn. He lazily stretched and sat on the bed, scanning the room for his red and white hoodie, but suddenly the truth hit him. To run down the stairs and in front of his beloved tree meant to face his family, all the aunts and uncles and confused kids. He couldn’t do that, he was sure, he couldn’t just walk downstairs and watch his mother struggle not to hurt him and not to go against her family and beliefs at the same time. Mostly he just didn’t want to go downstairs and celebrate something he loved without Spencer. He went to the bathroom instead, totally ignoring the excited squeals of the kids downstairs.
He showered, brushed his teeth and even combed his hair before he slowly returned to his room and dress himself.
He left the red hoodie on the floor on purpose.
On the stairs, the smell of chocolate and gingerbread was too strong even for him. A few cousins skipped in front of him, running and waving some random toys. Brendon smiled in spite of himself.
“Oh, I was starting to get worried, dear!” the voice of his mother welcomed him when he finally entered the living room. He smiled to her, then to the rest of the family, ignoring some of the embarrassed or disgusted glances, before he walked straight in the direction of the tree, scanning the wrapped gifts in search of his own. When he finally saw a big, purple, box with his name on it he just dropped on his knees and went for it.
It wasn't like when he was a kid, not anymore. He no longer needed to wait for Christmas to have what he wanted, he had enough money to satisfy every need or desire, but a wrapped box waiting for him, a gift waiting to be unwrapped and used was something he totally couldn’t have resisted, no matter how his mood was.
He smiled widely at the first edition of his favorite book, holding it to his chest and making a mental note to thank his sister, sure it was her idea, then went for the next package, ignoring all the eyes he could clearly feel over him, but before he could take it, his mom put a hand on his shoulder.
“I think that can wait, there’s another thing you really need to see”, Brendon looked at her, confused, but she just smiled, “it didn’t fit under the tree. You’ll find it in the kitchen”, she added, nodding toward the other room. Confused Brendon stood.
There was nothing he asked his parents for, and he was sure they couldn’t afford something really big this year. He expected something small, a pull maybe, some video games he talked to his father about, definitely nothing that couldn’t fit under the giant tree in the Urie’s living room.
“I…I think I’ll go see what’s here, then?” he asked, unsure. His mom smiled again.
“Go, and take your time, dear”, she said loud but then she leaned in to whisper in his ear, “and ignore the family, they’re a bunch of assholes. Your father and I are proud of you, whatever you choose to do with your life”, he didn’t reply to those words, he just hugged her for a second.
When he entered the kitchen his heart skipped a beat. He would have thought that impossible if not for the fact he had experienced the thing a few times already. All times because of Spencer.
“Hi, I was starting to think you’d never wake up”, Brendon heard the man’s words without really understand them, disbelief clear on his face.
“What…what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on the other side of the state, somewhere into the woods!” he was proud of himself. He had said a whole sentence and it actually made sense, he was ready to swear it was a miracle.
Spencer laughed taking a few steps towards him.
“I drove all night. I couldn’t stand to spend Christmas without you”, he said and before he could add anything else Brendon threw himself at him, legs around his waist, face smashed against his neck ‘till his nose hurt, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Spencer was there. Spencer was there for him on Christmas morning.
“I love you”, he murmured against his skin, totally unable to let the other man go, to stop being surrounded by his smell, by the feeling of Spencer’s hands on his back.
“I love you too, Brendon. You have no idea how much”, he replied, not even caring about how sappy he sounded. If possible Brendon smiled harder.
A few minutes passed before Spencer was able to convince Brendon to leave his neck and the moment the singer did he sealed their lips together in the most long and passionate kiss he ever experienced.
“Merry Christmas, baby”, he whispered against Brendon’s lips when they broke the kiss to breath properly. The singer just smiled.
Now he knew. Now he was pretty sure all the great Christmases of his life were just average, like all the gifts he received in the past years.
*This* was the perfect Christmas and Spencer was his best gift. Ever.
